In 2014 I have but one goal. Everything else is secondary to my primary concern of correcting a long-standing shortcoming of mine, something that’s been gnawing at me for over thirteen years. Namely, in the coming year I plan to – at long last – beat the final stage of the Nintendo 64 game Perfect Dark.
Obviously a goal so lofty requires some planning and preparation. Therefore I have set aside this time today to craft a strategy for finally defeating the so-far unbeatable Skedar Queen. Here’s my step-by-step plan of attack, to be implemented beginning 1st January, 2014.
1. Learn to play guitar.
Over the course of learning to pluck the strings of a standard-issue acoustic guitar, I surmise my thumbs will have grown calloused enough to effectively wield an N64 controller.
2. Practice, practice practice
Fortunately, my copy of Perfect Dark still has my middle-school-era game file saved on it. I will therefore be able to run through a regimented series of practice rounds in the Skedar Ruins. I think about thirty rounds per day should do it.
3. Transcendental Meditation
If memory serves, confronting the Skedar Queen puts me on the verge of a heart attack every time. Since uncountable attempts to best her have yet to yield success, I only get shakier and sweatier every time I try. The solution to this, then, would be to begin regularly practicing TM to steady my heart, mind, and trembling/slippery hands. In my zenned-out hands, Joanna Dark will reign victorious at last.
4. Entomology Course at IUPUI
The Skedar – Joanna Dark’s nemeses – are a race of insect-like warriors. Indeed, their nigh-invincible leader is their Queen, much like an ant queen, only bigger and with guns. I plan to take full advantage of this buggy weakness by studying up on insects in a college-level course on entomology.
Just try and stop me and my SuperDragon laser gun when I know all about the weak points of your thorax and respiratory spiracles, Skedar Queen!
So that’s the plan. I think it’s more or less foolproof. When I can finally put Perfect Dark behind me, I might even finally have the confidence to invest in a gaming console from after 1996.