Day twenty-nine. The ThinkKit folks want to know if we’ve invented any new words in 2013. To this, we simply say:
Tag Archives: know no stranger
In 2014 I have but one goal. Everything else is secondary to my primary concern of correcting a long-standing shortcoming of mine, something that’s been gnawing at me for over thirteen years. Namely, in the coming year I plan to – at long last – beat the final stage of the Nintendo 64 game Perfect Dark.
Obviously a goal so lofty requires some planning and preparation. Therefore I have set aside this time today to craft a strategy for finally defeating the so-far unbeatable Skedar Queen. Here’s my step-by-step plan of attack, to be implemented beginning 1st January, 2014.
1. Learn to play guitar.
Over the course of learning to pluck the strings of a standard-issue acoustic guitar, I surmise my thumbs will have grown calloused enough to effectively wield an N64 controller.
2. Practice, practice practice
Fortunately, my copy of Perfect Dark still has my middle-school-era game file saved on it. I will therefore be able to run through a regimented series of practice rounds in the Skedar Ruins. I think about thirty rounds per day should do it.
3. Transcendental Meditation
If memory serves, confronting the Skedar Queen puts me on the verge of a heart attack every time. Since uncountable attempts to best her have yet to yield success, I only get shakier and sweatier every time I try. The solution to this, then, would be to begin regularly practicing TM to steady my heart, mind, and trembling/slippery hands. In my zenned-out hands, Joanna Dark will reign victorious at last.
4. Entomology Course at IUPUI
The Skedar – Joanna Dark’s nemeses – are a race of insect-like warriors. Indeed, their nigh-invincible leader is their Queen, much like an ant queen, only bigger and with guns. I plan to take full advantage of this buggy weakness by studying up on insects in a college-level course on entomology.
Just try and stop me and my SuperDragon laser gun when I know all about the weak points of your thorax and respiratory spiracles, Skedar Queen!
So that’s the plan. I think it’s more or less foolproof. When I can finally put Perfect Dark behind me, I might even finally have the confidence to invest in a gaming console from after 1996.
Hey! Ryan here again.
I’ve been thinking – or rather, lamenting – on my penmanship for years. I’ve been disgusted with my handwriting for as long as it’s been since it stopped improving; that puts the impetus of my lamentation at about age 6, by my reckoning. Since it’s not likely to change anytime soon, I tried to think of other ways I could validate my handwriting style, which has been referred to more than once as “serial killer writing.”
I imagined a world where I was entrusted with typesetting every marketed, shared, or otherwise distributed item. Never mind that not even the local used car lot would appoint me with this task; indulge me for a second and imagine…
There’s a quiet dignity about it, I think. A personal touch. I mean, I’ve never wanted to eat at Red Lobster before, ever, until right now.
So that’s something.
via Wallace Wimbley:
What? What is that you’re asking me, now? Strangest thing I’ve seen all year?
Strangest thing I’ve seen all year…
Well, I mean, for crying out loud, I can barely see at any rate! But if you really wanna get into it, listen: it’s been a madcap, roller-coaster year for old Wimbley here. Let me think.
Well, of course, seeing an army of what was, by my count, at least seven-score dachshunds and miniature Schnauzers – held at bay but by the grace of goodness and a leash, mind you – barking and snarling at yours truly when I took the stage at Germanfest in the Rathskellar biergarten… Hoo boy, well, that left an indelible impression, let’s just say!
Of course these old peepers were subject to a variety of terrifically exciting (and nerve-racking) things over those weeks working with Know No Stranger to put on the best Optical Popsicle yet (Hi-Five Live, we called it)! I mean, you got exercising dinosaurs, the ghost of Whoopi Goldblum, and a rousing musical number all in one show, you’re bound to lay eyes on some whackadoo stuff during rehearsals! *chuckles*
Not to mention I watched the most famous action film star, arguably, of all time float away after his head literally ballooned up – this, mind you, after the yutz sucker-punched me. Guh, I’m still outta whack in the neck-to-lower-back-and-hip area from that ordeal.
But come to think of it, I saw something far stranger than any of that earlier this year. You’ll get a kick outta this. Listen. So I’m at the, uh, shopping center there downtown, and this guy in the Macy’s, right? He shows me this battery-operated toothbrush! I’m not kidding, it’s like right outta The Jetsons. I don’t know if you’ve seen this, but I’m thinking it’s gotta be pretty hard for an average Joe like you or me to just have it in the home, you know? What, am I a Rockefeller? Stop it already. Anyway, I think about that a lot. What an age, what an age…
What’s next, a vacuum cleaner that does all the work for you?
WALLACE WIMBLEY is an accomplished producer and finagler of local live theatre and a frequent collaborator of Know No Stranger’s. Also, a surrogate uncle to pretty much everyone.